Boobie Problems.

Over the weekend I had surgery to remove my wisdom teeth, and it has thrown an SUV-sized monkey wrench into my way of mothering and way of doing things for the past 6 months.

Obviously, after surgery I wasn't able to nurse Gavin. I tried either the night after surgery or the morning after, I don't remember which. It went just fine and I was happy. The next couple days I slept most of the time, was in a lot of pain, and my mom and aunt took over with most of his care so I could rest and recover. Once I felt better to try again, Gavin began acting like he forgot what to do. He'd try to gnaw and chew (which he does A LOT these days, probably a clue that he will start teething very soon), and he keeps biting me. He'll do 2-3 sucks like normal, then he'll stop and bite. Then try to suck more, then bite. Or he'll just open and close his mouth on me, trying to gnaw. I try the gentle "No", but he's really so young that I don't think it means anything to him. If I pull it away from him, he just looks up at me like I'm crazy; he doesn't understand why I'm doing it.

I just don't know what to do with him. I keep trying and just end up frustrated and in tears. I'm not ready to give this up yet. These few days of a different routine and not nursing really screwed everything up. I can tell my body is messed up too, since this morning I discovered the return of Aunt Flo. I've read that changes in routine such as nursing less and switching to solids can make her return, so I think my body is getting into the idea that we're done nursing.

I need to get Gavin back on track and try to reverse my body thinking it's time to wrap up with boobie time. I know the best thing is to latch Gavin on and keep him there, but it's really hard when he won't do what he's supposed to and honestly, biting fucking HURTS. Fuck that. I'd rather go through this surgery again than have him bite me all day trying to get him to nurse properly. I'm just praying Gavin snaps back into it and we don't have to end nursing yet. I never imagined I'd feel this way before becoming a mother, but I have truly grown to cherish this closeness and nurturing experience with my booboo.

Gearing Up For #2...

DEPLOYMENT #2.. not baby #2. oh my god. haha. I felt the need to clarify.

It's summer and I'm facing one of the biggest challenges I've ever faced in my life. Nick is deploying VERY soon and Gavin and I will be missing him for 7 long months. It's so incredibly difficult to even think about. Yes, we did a deployment in 2010, but it was just us two. No baby to think about that will miss his father, and be missed by him even more. I'm glad Gavin is so little, he won't remember his daddy being away from him. If our current plans don't change, this will be our last deployment.

Those are a couple slightly comforting thoughts I'll have to work with. Otherwise I'm just a little terrified. Motherhood is difficult, plain and simple. I'd have collapsed into a giant heap of stress, fail and tears a loooong time ago if I didn't have help from family. Sometimes that need for a short break is so strong, I don't feel like I can go another day. So with Nick leaving, it's going to be so much more difficult on a daily basis. I can't be in Maryland the entire 7 months, though I am planning  to be there a lot. I'm trying to work out if I can stay in Maryland for several weeks at a time, though I have the cats to consider. My mom has a dog so I can't just bring them there with me when I go. No matter what, I'm going to have to rely heavily on the wonderful friends I have when I can't be with my family. Like for instance, I have a few miscellaneous doctor's appointments I'll need to schedule this summer and fall. You can't bring children without someone to supervise, so I'll have to try to find people to sit with Gavin while I get these things done.

Deployment is such a challenging, stressful experience. Nick and I have done it before; it didn't defeat us then and it won't defeat us this time. I hope one day Gavin is proud of his parents for what they did for him and our family. Just gotta do our best to be strong for him!

P.S.

On the fitness front, I'd like to update that I'm doing awesome. I do 45 minutes or more of cardio, and have a calorie goal of about 400 per workout. I've got the resistance on the elliptical up to anywhere between 10-12. I haven't been near a scale to see what pounds I may have lost, but I think I'm making some progress. A couple weeks ago, I got the biggest boost ever when curiosity led me to try on some pre-pregnancy jeans, and by god they FIT. Like, I can button them and not be super uncomfortable. SO exciting! I decided to measure my progress like this. I'll know I'm losing weight as all my clothes begin to fit better again, haha.

Refocusing

OK! Ever since making the transition from preggo to full-time mommy, the aim and original purpose of this blog is well, outdated. I've blogged a bit here and there the past 3 1/2 months but I'm looking to pick it back up with a different focus.

Two weeks ago, I officially started my fitness regimen. I'm finally committing myself to losing all this weight I put on over the course of Gavin's residence inside my womb.

It isn't easy to get started with something like this. However, after spending weeks inside taking care of the little one, still looking pregnant, hating my reflection, I know any misery that comes with pushing myself will be so worth it. I waited so long to get started for a couple reasons. Of course, the recommended 6 weeks to make sure I'm healed and capable of exercise. Second, I was just. SO. TIRED. It took a long time to get Gavin sleeping at least semi-decently, and there was just no way I could get into a gym. I HATED sitting at home all day, but I would ask myself, "If I had to get up and get to the gym in the next hour, could I?" and the answer was always a big fat resounding NO. I was exhausted. One day around 13 weeks postpartum, I decided enough being fat. Enough of hating every picture of myself and just ENOUGH of sitting around with all these extra pounds I don't need.

I texted my friend Nancy, and met her at the gym the next day to get myself signed up and started into a routine. I chose the Y for a few reasons, and am so completely happy. The biggest thing is they have child care, which was a big concern of mine. I can drop off Gav and get my sweat on with no worries. Also, they have so much to offer in terms of activities, classes and support. I think once Nick deploys I'm going to start their 6-week "Y Change" program. It'll force me to have so much accountability so I won't fall off the wagon.

So far, I'm doing pretty well. I started with 30 minutes of cardio on the elliptical on a low resistance. My endurance and starting point were pretty damn low, and I know I don't need to be pushing myself too hard in the beginning. After 2 weeks, I already have extended my cardio time to 45 minutes, and moved up the resistance from wimpy 1 to a respectable 5. I'm not seeing results yet, but I am off to a good start. My endurance has improved, which will be great for my metabolism.

I'm also excited to transition to a healthy diet. Last night I found one of the best resources I could imagine, a blog by a very inspiring lady called Undressed Skeleton. She has a great story, and even sample menus, grocery lists and all kinds of great tips. I feel so motivated after cruising around her blog for a couple hours last night. 

So here it goes. Before I ever stepped into a gym, I was down about 20 pounds from my peak pregnancy weight. I have more to go, so let's see what I'm capable of! yay!

Did Mandy just blog?

So I've somewhat abandoned the blogging world. Not on purpose. I'd say it's because the exciting-ness of pregnancy is over, but that can't be right because having the baby here is way better and way more worth blogging about. 

Gavin is growing and changing all the time now (obviously). He's hitting all his milestones, learning how to do new things all the time and it's so amazing to watch! It took about a month for him to stop crying at EVERYTHING and realize life on the outside isn't so bad. He'd cry when he got a bath, a diaper change, clothes changed, almost anything really. Nick and I used to say if he's awake, he's crying. He had days and nights reversed. It took weeks to get him to be able to sleep anywhere but on me. I slept in the recliner with him for weeks and was 15 shades of miserable. It finally got better and I do not miss those nights one bit.

A few weeks ago, he surprised me and actually slept through the night! Nowadays if he does it, he'll usually sleep something like 10-11pm til 5 or 6am. then I can usually get him to go back to sleep until a more reasonable morning hour. He doesn't sleep through every night, but I'm totally stoked that he does it at all while he's still this young!

Gavin is already a traveling fool at 2 1/2 months old. We took him to Key West to meet my grandparents in the last weekend in April. he did awesome on the plane, thank goodness. Then the next weekend we went to Ocean City for Springfest, and we've just generally made a bunch of trips up to Annapolis, especially while Nick's been out on the boat.

I kinda wish I'd been tracking when he specifically reached each milestone, but honestly I can probably just look back on facebook. haha. I know he started smiling around a month old. I remember Nick got to see him smile a few times before going out on the boat on April 20th. I know it was a week or two later when he started cooing and "talking", which is the cutest shit I've ever witnessed in my life. I swear, this child melts my heart so much. I LOVE that when I greet him when waking up, he smiles BIG and says good morning back :) I LOVE that he knows his mommy.

Today he got his first round of vaccinations. It wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be! I didn't cry and he only cried for a minute or two until I picked him up. Of course he got all redfaced and screamed but then he was only a bit whiny until I got him back in his car seat and in the car, then he was fast asleep. He did great, and all his development was on track too. He's a tall boy, 81st percentile in height at 24 1/2 inches and 46th in weight at 12lb 5oz! I can't believe he's almost doubled his birth weight!! How is my tiny babyboy growing so fast? His feet hang off the boppy pillow now when he nurses!

Despite the frustrations that there's inevitably been, I love this little booger. He's such a joy. I see more and more how he resembles me as his features are becoming more defined. I see Nick and myself in him and it's incredible we created this little person. He's so loved by so many people and he doesn't even know it yet :)

Welcome to the World, Little Gavin!!

So, I'm finally sitting down to try to punch out a good birth story about my little Gavin-nugget's arrival into the world. I may end up writing this over several sittings, so we'll see how much I can get down at one time. Pre-warning, this will be completely long-winded and full of all kinds of little details but #1, I know my mommy friends will enjoy it and #2, I know I will appreciate it as time goes by as I might not remember all the details. Read only if you have the time and patience to take on this project! Seriously. This thing is going to be like, novel status. Let's get started. Readysetgo!

So everything kicked off at the fantastic time of 3:47am on Monday, February 20th. I was sound asleep in bed, and kind of awoke on my own. Not really sure why. Although, while pregnant, I woke up in the night ALL the time to pee and just went back to sleep, no big deal. This time I awoke, rolled on my back a little and felt a trickle down below, that INSTANTLY I knew wasn't pee. Didn't feel like pee coming out at all. I jumped up, tried to cup my hand underneath and ran to the toilet. By the time I got there, my underwear was soaked. My water broke and was not fucking around!! I was just staring in disbelief, just thinking OMG. I knew that this was definitely it, not questionable like when I thought my water might have broke back at 35 weeks.

I thought for a few minutes about going back to sleep. I had stayed up really late just watching tv, until about 1am. So for it to be only 4am was no bueno. I stayed sitting in the bathroom since the fluid just kept coming. I decided to call my mom to let her know. I felt bad waking her up but if this was it, I knew she wouldn't mind and she needed the heads up to get on the road down here to VA. Afterwards, I called Labor & Delivery to ask how long I should wait to come in if my water had broken. They said to come in right away, even though I wasn't having any contractions. Next, I busted out my handy list of ship phone numbers and called to let Nick know it was time. OF COURSE, this was a night he was on duty so he wasn't home. I asked for him and found out he was asleep but they had no problem getting someone to go wake him once I told them the situation. :) He called me back shortly later and said he'd be home soon.

While I waited, my mind was freaking out! In a good way though. I was like omg, what do I do? My hospital bag was packed except for things I used daily, like toiletry items and such. So I tried to figure out what miscellaneous things I needed to grab. Then I thought things like maybe I should get dressed, maybe I should brush my teeth. I'm pretty sure I even straightened my hair since I'd went to sleep with it wet from showering. I was still relatively calm since I wasn't in any pain. My water was still coming out pretty consistently this whole time, but thankfully I had bought some heavy duty pads a couple days earlier. Nick finally got home and we finished getting ready to go, including packing him an overnight bag. We left the house around 4:30 or 5 and were on our way! During the drive there, Nick said something that made me laugh and with that laugh came a huge GUSH. Oh my god. We were just a couple minutes from the hospital but I was like omg! We gotta get there NOW so I can get changed or set up with something or just.. I dunno!!! I was afraid of dripping all over the place on the way to L&D on the 4th floor. Once out of the car, I asked Nick if it looked like I peed my pants and he said yes. Dammit. At least it was ridiculously early and no one was around to see!

We got to the triage window and got taken back to check me in. I got out of my poor wet pants and in a gown and on a table, where I continued to leak, haha. At least they're used to these kinds of messes! I got checked in, got my IV put in and my cervix checked, which was still at 1cm, or a "loose" l cm/almost 2cm. Not bad I guess! After what felt like a long time, we got our room where we settled in for the long haul, however long it would take. We were both exhausted, and I wasn't contracting so we tried to lay down and grab some sleep before my mom and Aunt Lorri arrived. They got there at about 8:30am, and I still wasn't contracting so I was relieved they got there without missing anything.

Now, I don't remember every little thing that happened, let alone the order everything happened but I'll do the best I can. I know it was around 9am when I started contracting. To help me dilate more, they inserted a foley bulb. She said it may be done getting me to 3cm in a few minutes, or may take much longer. I remember laying on the bed trying to relax and suddenly it popped out and fell on the floor. It startled me and I gasped, cause for some reason I thought I'd done something and it wasn't supposed to do that. Once the nurse came back she told me that just meant it was done doing its job. It only took about 10 minutes so that was pretty sweet.

 They offered me a painkiller through my IV, and I was all for it. The nurse warned it may make me feel loopy and wow, she was right. I got a rush of feeling spinny and loopy but felt pretty good. Also, I'm not sure what time I noticed, but I know at one point I was tracking the contractions by the clock on the wall and they were 3-5 minutes apart. So me, Nick, mom and Lorri all hung out and just generally passed time, especially since the hospital didn't yet consider me in actual labor. At some point in the day, around 4 or 5 people came in the room and rushed to all the monitors, and the nurse asked me to change sides I was laying on. Things were really calm so when they pulled an oxygen mask over my face I was wondering what was going on. They were all really good at not being frantic and making me panic. I think the issue was the baby's heartrate dropped. He was a little turd cause several times throughout the day I had to change how I was laying, although this was the only time people rushed in like that. My poor aunt didn't know what was happening and cried a bit once things calmed down, poor thing. This was probably the biggest drama of the delivery, thank goodness. I was calm when it happened but I don't know if I would've been if it happened again!

 Around 2-3 pm is when I believe the contractions started getting bad. This was probably around the time I got my epidural, cause I was utterly miserable. I had weathered the contractions for around 6 hours so I was ready. Around 5pm is when they considered me in active labor. I was feeling the contractions, which thankfully were painless, but I certainly felt a deep pressure, which felt like the baby was pushing himself straight downwards. By this point, I was 4 cm and disappointed in how slow I was progressing. Was I in for one of those 24+ hour labors?! Oh boy. My disappointment didn't last long, because my next check at 6pm had me at 5cm!! They must've felt I was progressing super fast, since they checked me again 20 minutes later and I was 7cm!! I started freaking out a little bit at this point and teared up a bit because it hit me how close I was to him being born. I can't even describe it. Crazyness.

This fast progression was a little short lived, since my next check almost 3 hours later was only 8cm. Pretty far dilated, but it took me 3 hours to get there. I couldn't help feeling a bit discouraged again. I could tell though that the contractions were getting more intense and we were gearing up for little nugget to be ready soon. Ohhhhhh man.

At 11pm I had my final check, because I was 10cm. I heard the doctor say I was "complete". However, they said we would start pushing in about an hour, to give Gavin more time to get as far down as possible, so I wouldn't have as much work to do. During this time, I was so miserable. I'd begun feeling nauseous, so I was munching on ice and at some point the nurse gave me a popsicle cause I was STARVING. I was nervous cause I noticed I had a little more feeling on my right side, and was feeling contractions on that side. I was really scared that I'd feel too much during the actual birth and that I couldn't handle it. I pushed the button for my epidural as many times as possible to try to help. My right side never got back to the same level as my left, but it didn't end up being a big deal, thankfully. My left side ended up being annoying anyway, cause I remember being in postpartum with my left hip still numb as can be, and itching so badly, yet I couldn't relieve it. ugh!

Anyway, the time finally came. The doctor and other medical staff came in, maybe about 7 or 8 in total. It was awkward to have so many people staring at me all spread eagle, but I knew they do this every single day, and I was nothing unusual. Still. My lady parts on full display isn't really something that had happened in front of so many people before that day. At around 12:30ish am, they said we were gonna start pushing. I was really nervous!! In between contractions were my little rest periods and I would ask the doctor if I was doing it right and things like that, haha. I wanted to be sure I was doing the best work possible to get Gavin out. I didn't really feel much going on down there the first couple sets of pushing.

Finally, I started feeling the intense, intense pressure and one of the personnel let slip that they could see the baby's hair. I guess this shocked me or freaked me out, cause it was in the middle of a push and it made me let my breath out and kind of ruined the momentum of the push. I heard later that the Doctor got annoyed and didn't want me to hear those kinds of things. She was absolutely right, cause the Doctor was great. She knew the perfect things to say to motivate me, reassure me and I think each thing she said to help honestly made the delivery so quick and successful. She was great cause she also had Nick do the counting for most of the sets of pushes so he got to participate. Although he was a turd and counted reaaallllyy slow. I was just thinking ugghh I can't hold my breath that long!! He was wonderful; he helped hold my head up and stroked my hair. :) He didn't want to see the carnage of Gavin coming out, and I was ok with that. I didn't want a mirror to see either. Nick was there and that's what was most important to me.

After a few sets of pushing, I was SO ready for it to be over. I don't remember feeling pain, other than some stings on his way out, but I remember how incredibly intense it felt as he was RIGHT THERE and being born. At this point, my motivation was to just make it be over with ASAP and the fact that the doctor said we'd need to use forceps or a vacuum if this final set of pushes didn't get him out. Screw that, I didn't want to have to use any of that so I made those 3 pushes count.

There's not really much to say other than I pushed super hard, everyone was cheering me on and I felt the most awful intensity and then he was here. I think he was just head out when my mom said "look!" and I was like "I dont wanna!!" hahaha. I really didn't want to see my parts down there during everything, although obviously I wouldn't be able to, my logical thinking at that moment didn't realize that. I didn't know right then, but the Doctor cut the cord herself and took him to the little bed to be assessed right away. I'm glad I kind of didn't realize, cause I didn't have the chance to think that anything was wrong. Apparently he just wasn't liking the labor too much and they were concerned about his heartrate dropping. But baby boy was fine. Luckily, no one stood in the way so the whole time he was being wiped off and checked out I could see him and watch him cry. I saw Nick holding his little hand and standing by him and it made my heart melt.

The moments feel all blurred together of the doctor getting me all fixed up and ready to hold my little guy once he was ready. All in all, I pushed for only 25 minutes. He arrived at 12:59am on February 21st weighing 6lb 14oz and 20 in long. And I only needed two little tiny stitches, which the doctor described as not even on the scale that they use to describe severity of tears. So nothing gross like an episiotomy was needed either, thank goodness. I did really well and I'm so glad, since my recovery has been pretty good and I feel great. I'm glad I didn't need any intervention, since any of that could've made recovery a horrible experience. If it wasn't for the epidural making my legs all wobbly, I could've been walking within an hour or so (I was able to walk on my own after about 4 hours).

Anyway, I think this may be a good place to end. I could always do another entry with postpartum related things later. I just definitely wanted to get the delivery down for those who want to read about it and for myself before I start forgetting things. I just hope I didn't already forget anything that I wanted to be sure was in the story. If you read this whole thing, congrats. If not, then I at least still have my long winded recollection of my first baby boy's birth :)

For my Fellow Mommy Friends...

I'm currently drafting the HUGE Birth Story blog entry, but I wanted to post this in the meantime since it's on my mind. I had a really emotional moment today and I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has any advice or comforting words or just... something.

I have been thinking this all week and vocalized it today to Nick. I told him it feels like we haven't gotten to cuddle or love on each other or anything in forever and it sucks. I'm not even talking about sex, since we know that's on hold for a bit. and yes, OF COURSE we knew the baby would give us less time for each other. I am not so dumb and silly I didn't realize this would happen once Gavin was here. That's a given. I guess with Gavin being so fussy at night, my expectation that we'd get a little time at night to snuggle and such is out the window, and I'd hoped it would be a time we'd have together.

My issue is that I didn't realize how much it upset me until I actually said it out loud. I started tearing up and tried not to let Nick see. And I'm tearing up now typing this out. How have my other mommy friends dealt with this?  Did anyone else get all worked up like I am? I just miss being close to my husband and we haven't gotten to even sleep in our bed together since we brought Gavin home and it just bothers me. I just miss him. We're normally so affectionate and taking all that down to nearly zero feels awful. I feel like such a fail cause my baby is less than a week old and I already have complaints? Ugh. :( I hope Gavin gets less fussy and sleeps at night soon so we can resume at least a little lovey-doveyness...

Gavin is here!!

Full birth story will come soon!

Closing In...

By now, any readers should be well aware of and have plenty of fair warning of my TMI topics on here. From peeing myself, to lying on my bathroom floor writhing in pain, I've mostly laid it all out there. In case you're unfamiliar, let me warn you now. This entry covers some TMI preggo business. Deal with it.

This morning I had an exciting moment. :D

 I woke up and went to have my morning pee, and when I finished I discovered something. There in the toilet was, well, to spare those unacquainted with pregnancy related terms, I'll just say I found my "show". Rather, a large portion of it. From what I've read, this could signify impending childbirth within hours... or weeks. Ugh. I may have let myself get too excited since I kinda always thought it signified labor within just a few days, at most. But up to a couple weeks? Lame. I'm gonna try to get things moving quicker.

With the "show", it can really only mean I'm continuing to dilate, which is great. I won't find out how much more I'm dilated until the 24th, unless my Dr. gets a cancellation and I can be seen sooner, OR I'm not pregnant anymore.

No matter what my dilation status is though, Gavin is on his way!!

Even More Full Term.

OMG. I'm about to freak out. In this episode of 19 Kids and Counting I'm watching, they find out their 20th baby's heart stopped beating at 18 or 19 weeks. They show them at a routine checkup, the doppler machine on her belly and there's just.... nothing. No sound at all.

I may cry, even if they are friggin crazy and have 19 kids. But hell, I JUST had an appointment this morning and heard Gavin's heart going strong. I have had many appointments and heard his heartbeat over the doppler many times. I can't even IMAGINE going in all happy like any other day, expecting the heartbeat and just hear dead air on the machine. That must feel HORRIBLE. I'm so thankful my nugget has been so healthy and strong and perfect this pregnancy.

On a much happier note, my appointment this morning had some great news. I opted to get checked, and I am already 1cm dilated, and 50% effaced!!! Holy shit. I KNEW it too! Ever since I hit 36 weeks, he's been putting so much pressure straight downwards that I knew he had to be priming my cervix at least somewhat! This great, cause once I'm actually in labor, I'll only have 9cm to dilate til I can start pushing. Haha. So this 1cm with no effort is a nice little way to get ahead of the game!

In one more note, I finally got Gavin's car seat installed! I've been procrastinating on it so bad. I was worried we'd just end up tossing it in the car and installing it right before leaving the hospital, AFTER he was already here. But it's ready, hooray! The weather finally wasn't that cold so I was comfortable to sit outside and figure that thing out. Now my nugget has a safe ride home :)

Full Term & Extremely Whiny.

I may or may not officially be over being pregnant. (Hint: I totally and most certainly am).

I have always consistently known that I'd miss feeling his movements. And that I'll miss the general maternal feelings of protecting and carrying and nurturing my baby. However, I'm really just ready to have my own body back and ready to not experience the daily ailments I've grown used to anymore. I'm just over it all. For one thing, I hate that getting in and out of bed is a painful experience every single time due to my sciatic nerve. As a matter of fact, just recently my sciatic nerve started acting up in a different way, and it's pretty unbearable at times. Definitely not something I can deal with for another two weeks. I'll tell you what, when I get that sweet, delicious epidural, I'll be so goddamn happy to not have to feel that sciatic fucking nerve acting up for several hours.

I seriously hope Gavin comes early, just so I can start getting back to normal. Of course I'll have healing and a new round of bodily experiences to deal with, but that will fade in a few weeks. Some things I've dealt with during pregnancy have effected me almost the entire time I've been knocked up. Seriously, if Gavin came sometime next week, that'd be perfect for me. Or even just anytime after my birthday, which is the 16th.

This week begins my weekly OB appointments. They've gotten more and more closely spaced apart, and now shit starts getting serious. From what I understand, I will probably start getting checked for dilation at this point too. Based on some of the pains and discomforts I've been feeling since 36 weeks, I almost expect to be at least 1cm. But then again, that'd be a long time for me to be dilated and nothing else be going on. I'm still yet to experience, but on standby for any Braxton Hicks contractions, bloody show or anything else that would indicate onset of labor. So yeah. We'll see when he starts showing he's on his way. Other than dropping at 36 weeks, Gavin is still sitting pretty tight. And I'm over it.

One Day Short of Full Term...

and I don't know what this little nugget is up to right now, but I think he needs to quit it!

For the past 3 hours or so, I've had lower back pain. Now, back pain has been completely common in this pregnancy, but it's not usually localized in the lower area. It more so occurs if I'm sitting with poor posture; typically I just get situated sitting straight up with a good pillow or something supporting my back and it feels fine. Boom, problem solved.

This time though, I took 2 tylenols (which I haven't done at ALL this pregnancy) and my back still aches. I'm paying attention for anything that could be contractions, but all I'm getting are normal baby kicks and movements. Nothing crazy or different.

I don't think anything is happening yet. and seriously, it better not! Nick is underway with the boat until friday, so I'd have to try to slow down or just tolerate early labor until he got home in two days. ugh! I'm gonna make sure tonight my hospital bag is packed for sure just in case.. haha.

For right now, I'm gonna take a nice hot shower (one of my favorite things this pregnancy anyway). The heat is always relaxing and it may soothe my stupid back. So we'll see what happens.. hopefully nothing for now! If it is, I'll be able to read this entry and see how it all began... yikes!

The 36th Week.

This week has been my most uncomfortable so far.

I'm nearly positive he started dropping, and he isn't being shy about pushing himself downwards. For that matter, he hasn't been shy about stretching, shifting, and everything else. He's been very active ever since I first have been able to feel him move, but my god. It's crazy these days. It truly feels like he grew a pound overnight; he tries to push for more space all the time and I feel his noggin pressing into me, and his legs pushing upwards and all this crazyness. My belly takes on some crazy shapes at times!

Also, the one terrible complaint I've had since the first trimester is getting worse. I mostly learned to combat my sciatic nerve pain, and figured out how to prevent it almost entirely. But this week, it pretty much just hurts all the time. If I'm moving my left leg, the nerve is hurting. If I'm sitting up, it's hurting, and especially if I'm trying to reposition or rollover in bed, it hurts. 

I'm SO ready to have my body back to myself and to have it start going back to normal. I can't do this much longer anyway; I'm running out of clothes! I have a few wardrobe staples that have lasted me the whole pregnancy, that are now starting to just fit or become a little tight. God dammit. I have large coats I can't button and baggy pajama pants that waistline squeezes too tight. Thank goodness for the oversized lounging tshirts I borrowed from my mom, they're the most comfortable things I have right now! This shit's getting ridic.

Thoughts, Hopes, Dreams.

Gavin's birth is creeping closer and closer these days. I've been debating with the mirror since last night about whether or not he's started to drop.

I swear there's more space at the top of my belly. Comparing with my last belly photo though, there's not a noticeable difference. I feel like I see the difference in person though. Either way, he IS preparing for his debut; at my OB appointment yesterday we did a quick ultrasound to check his position, and he is definitely head DOWN! The ultrasound wasn't all that much to see; basically a large round image, which was his head. and it was right on top of my cervix. So who knows if he'll shift around over the next few weeks, but if he stays put he'll be primed and ready to make things NOT complicated at birth. Like a good boy. :)

One thing on my mind a lot lately is the actual big day. I have a list for my hospital bag, just gotta pack it. I think a lot about what will happen that day; if Nick will be home, or if I'll be able to reach him at work and have him rush to me to go to the hospital, if my mom will be able to make it from MD without any delay.. there's just so much! 

I also think a lot about the birth. How will I do? For years I've always felt like birth was the scariest thing ever; as a teenager I was so glad it was far away, cause it sounded unbearably awful. Now that it's close, of course I have the fear and the thought process of "...fuck I'm suppose to give birth soon aren't I..", but I feel strangely ready and unafraid at the same time. I feel like once I know labor is here, I can totally handle it, at least for awhile. I like to think that I can take contractions head on, like a boss, until I do decide that fuck this I want my epidural. I honestly think that giving birth is one of the most fundamental womanly things a woman does in her life, and I'm excited to join this club that billions of other women are in. I want to be strong and not shrivel into a teary-eyed, whiny mess during his birth (although there's a good chance I will). I don't want to be such a wreck that I can hardly enjoy my new son. I guess I'm just like any other mother out there in that I want to have a smooth, complication-free experience. 

Ideally, I want to get my sweet, sweet epidural and be able to deliver him myself, without all the crazyness of tearing, stitches, cord tangling, buncha crap. Gavin and me have both been doing REALLY well this whole time, and I feel confident he'll be perfect when he gets here. I'm looking forward SO much to that moment he wails his tiny hiney off when his lungs take that first breath. omg. I've been so careful with myself during this pregnancy and have been very mindful of what I take in that I think he'll be just fine. I just hope I'm fine. I hear about some women being able to get up and about within a couple hours of birth and feeling fine, and that's all I can really hope for for myself.

35 Weeks & Been Slackin.

Ok, I know I've been lazy. Things have been pretty consistent this last trimester so I can probably summarize the last several weeks and not miss too much.

I'm dealing with the obvious discomforts of being huge. I love being pregnant and carrying my little turd, but I'm getting to the point where I'm ready to have my body to myself again. I want to have wine if I want, I want to have a medium steak, I want to eat questionable leftovers and not worry that they'll hurt the baby. Plus it'll be nice to sleep on my stomach and not have to exert so much effort in lifting myself and getting out of bed. I guess this is what obese people deal with everyday :P

Gavin's nursery is done. I wanted to get a couple more things on the walls, but that's basically it. His clothes are washed and his crib is ready and everything is there. We've had the nursery done for awhile now, just adding bits and pieces here and there as I've gotten them.

I did my maternity photo shoot. I have a fantastic network of photographer friends and one of them, Mike, was kind enough to pencil me in while he was in the area. We did a nice shoot here at my house, in the living room and in Gavin's nursery. We made damn sure to avoid a lot of the stupid, cheesy overdone crap that most pregnant people do. If they're into the same old tired poses and ways of doing maternity shots, good for them, they're not for me at all. No lame ass "hand hearts" over the belly, none of me draped in fabric, all naked and being all "LOOK AT MY BARE BELLY OMG LOOK AT IT".  I was looking at a random photographer's blog about maternity shoots, and really agree with their philosophy that a shoot doesn't need to put a huge spotlight on the belly to make it a good shoot; just taking natural, relaxed photos of a pregnant woman makes it a maternity shoot just fine. I'm really happy with how they came out; there's a few that I can't get past how wide I look, but otherwise I think I'll like having these to look back on years from now to see how I looked during my first pregnancy with our little boy.

Health-wise, everything is still great. All my doctor's appointments are normal, and no risk factors or anything have popped up. A few weeks ago, I received a shot due to me being Rh negative and Nicky being Rh positive. I get to have another one right around when the baby is born too. yaaaay. This coming next week, I get tested for the Group B strep bacteria to see if I'm a carrier. If so I get antibiotics during the birth. Not very exciting I suppose. Just another standard precaution.

To note something I think is super adorable, Ollie is SUCH a mama's boy lately. I can't know for sure but I like to think that he knows I'm pregnant and is being lovey-dovey because of it. He was always the cat that follows us around and such, but he never slept in the bed with me before, which he now does. :) Most days that I'm just at home on the couch, he'll be cuddled up next to me. Usually he would just be nearby, but not within cuddling distance. 

In one more thing to wrap this novelesque entry up, I'm gonna say "screw it" and share my strange and embarrassing moment I had two nights ago. There are far worse things pregnant women experience that I haven't, so I'm definitely not the grossest woman with a pregnancy story. Hopefully. Anyway, I was just about to shower before going to bed. I got undressed, and right before I went to pull back the shower curtain and get in, I suddenly leaked fluid all over the floor. More than droplets, but not a gush or really large amount. Maybe a few tablespoons. I quickly shifted myself onto the toilet to catch anymore mess and sat there just shocked. Was my water breaking? I'm only 35 weeks, and also note that I was visiting Maryland all this week. I was hours from home in VA and from Nick, who was on his ship, underway, and no way to get him to me and the baby in any reasonable amount of time. 

I decided to just take my shower, pay attention for any contractions and see if I leaked anymore. I told Mom, since she was in the next room and I couldn't keep it to myself. We reasoned it likely wasn't my water breaking, aaaaand that I probably literally just peed all over the floor. I was just so weirded out cause I haven't had this issue at all before. I didn't even feel like I had to pee, or have any urge before it happened. Typically, I'll feel pressure on my bladder or at least something. This just happened out of nowhere. So in a nutshell, I, a grown adult and vision of grace and beauty, peed myself. Yep. It happened. At least it wasn't on a carpet.